February 2010

Marriage has changed dramatically over the last four decades. Just consider the terminology. We used to find shame in “bastard children,” but now boast about “baby mamas.” We aren’t “living in sin” anymore, but instead enjoying “domestic partners.” We no longer talk about “premarital sex” (because it is usually a given), but do talk about “prenuptial agreements.”

And, it is not just the words we use; our relationship with matrimony has changed too. Social norms once dictated, according to the conservative-based Institute on Marriage and Public Policy, this marital timeline: “leaving the parental home to get married, having children, staying married until either the man or the woman dies.” Over the last four decades, the cultural rulebook has become much looser on the subject of marriage and now encompasses an acceptance of unmarried parents, a prolonged single life, divorce, co-habitation, etc.

Beyond cultural mores, laws have slowly chipped away at America’s nuptial foundation—creating more rights for domestic partners. Ironically, many of these legal changes were jumpstarted by groups hoping to “protect” marriage from the threat of same-sex unions. Many larger corporations began to offer benefits to domestic partners in the 90s when jobs were more plentiful and recruiting was necessary.

With all this in mind, you might guess (correctly) that marriage isn’t as popular as it once was. A 2009 report by the Pew Research Center states: “Among Americans 18 and older, the proportion currently married, but not separated, is 55 percent for men and 50 percent for women.” Yet, nearly 75 percent of adults have been married at least once.

Despite Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s or Jon & Kate’s very public divorce dramas, the divorce rate is actually down. (Some blame this on the economy, as divorce is expensive!). However, people currently of marrying age are more likely than previous generations to have grown up in a divorced family. Front-row seats to a broken marriage could certainly scare off potential brides and grooms.

When you consider all of these factors, it is actually notable that three-quarters of the population continues to walk down the proverbial aisle. With the elimination of so many tangible motivations, why do people still get married?

From the cosmic to the convenient, local “marrieds” offer a variety of reasons for taking the marital plunge. Here are five of the more popular reasons several Pueblo couples cited for marriage:

Obvious Next Step

While many couples think about who they want to marry, sometimes they don’t really think about why or if they should get married. For many people—traditional or not—marriage is an inevitable part of the life process. “To me, it was what you did when you were sure that you were with the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with,” says Jason, a 39-year-old grocery buyer married for over 16 years, “I grew up in a family where almost everyone got married, and to me, it was a logical step.”

Jason’s wife, Gina, a 36-year-old midwife, expresses a similar sentiment, “I told myself we were soul mates and meant to be together forever, putting a bit more of a romantic spin on it. But in retrospect, I think that I was being quite conventional and somehow wanted to get married because it was the next step.”

The Party

Some couples look forward to the inevitable celebration that accompanies a wedding. Angie, a 39-year-old therapeutic recreational specialist married for nine years, says, “We got married as a way to solidify our love for each other. To make it official seems to show the seriousness of the commitment to one another. We also wanted to have a kick-ass wedding to celebrate with friends and family. We were very much looking forward to a fun wedding, but it was definitely a bonus of getting married and not a reason for it.”

Along those same lines, Angie’s husband Garrett, a 41-year-old mobility specialist, says, “One reason I wasn’t sure that I wanted to get married in the first place was that I didn’t think it was the state’s business as to who I was in love with. It’s preposterous, if you think about it. However, in the end, we did it because we felt that it would a great excuse for a party.”

On the flip side, some married couples dreaded the wedding portion of the marriage, intimidated by the daunting pressure of the Wedding Industrial Complex. “I never dreamed of weddings or being a bride,” says Margaret, a 36-year-old English teacher, “When it was time to actually plan a wedding, I was mystified not only by the number of options I was expected to consider, but by the air of expectation many people had about our plans. It seemed that I was expected, by nature of my gender I suppose, to meet certain bridal standards of joyous (or angry) attention to detail in order to bring a childhood fantasy of rescue to life.”

Rev. Amy Piatt, a local minister who officiates over a dozen weddings each year, sees weddings in a more positive light, “More and more, weddings are more of a celebration of a relationship that has already been established. There are so few rites of passage left in postmodern society. Marriage is one of the last and best means we have to celebrate and acknowledge these big moments in our lives.”

A Stamp of Legitimacy

Marriage can formalize a relationship in the eyes of others. “I think having a relationship defined as marriage is something familiar and easier to understand for our parents than just living together for a decade,” says Garrett. “It also seems a hell of a lot easier to say ‘my wife’ than navigating through myriad other titles—partner, girlfriend, etc.”

Abby, a 30-year-old librarian married for nine years, admits she needed to be officially married because of housing: “We had applied to a program to teach English in Japan. We wanted to be placed in the same housing unit. We didn't want to live apart—or worse, live in completely different towns than one another—so we chose a wedding date before the April leave time for the program.” She adds that this influenced when they got married, not necessarily if they would get married.

Children

For some married couples, children provided the catalyst for marriage. For others, children weren’t even a consideration when they contemplated marriage.

Margaret and Anthony, married for three years, were together for over 11 years before they got married. “We were married shortly before our first child was born,” says Margaret. “I was routinely surprised by how many people would attempt to ‘console’ me from the notion that Anthony was some sort of rogue who just wouldn’t commit. Several people even suggested that if I just got pregnant, he would decide to settle down.

“It would make me feel bad because in truth we had settled down for over a decade together—apparently longer than many marriages—and still there was some unspoken suggestion that I must be desperate to marry and Anthony, as a man, must be desperate to stay single at all costs. Honestly, if we lived in a more progressive community with less traditional family members, we may have continued to live together without getting married even after we decided to have children.”

Doing It Right

For some couples, often those raised in divorced families, there was a motivation to “get it right.” Gina explains, “I knew children were in my future and, having grown up without a father, knew that I wanted a more traditional family structure for my own children. My parents were never married, and my mother remarried, but later divorced. I definitely think there was some element of wanting to ‘do it right’ in my decision-making.”

On the plus side, people who grew up with divorce have intimate knowledge of potential pitfalls, giving them a jumpstart on creating a different marital path. “I don’t think that my parents’ divorce made marriage seem any less appealing. I think I just told myself my marriage would be different,” says Garrett.

Love

Of course, love was an important factor for each of the couples interviewed for this article. Interestingly, this abstract ideal compels many lovers down the aisle, regardless of laws and customs.

In addition to love, Abby explains other abstract ideals that she found in marriage, “Kindness, partnership, forgiveness, compassion and understanding. All of these have been given to me in my married life. I don't think I would understand them the same if I hadn't been married to the right person for as long as I have.”

Chemistry is important too. “We have a great chemistry,” says Angie, “and make one another extremely happy. On a daily basis I am truly blessed to have such a supportive, funny, and caring husband. While I think we could be equally as happy if we were not married, but still together, marriage seems to take it to the next level.”

All couples interviewed spoke about marrying their best friend. “I was smart enough to marry my best friend,” says Gina, “and that means that I do have a constant companion. Someone who knows how to fix your coffee without explanation, someone to rub your back after a hard day, someone to cuddle up with on a cold day—these are the daily benefits of marriage.”

In an ever-evolving, increasingly cold world, marriage continues to be an outlet for people in love. While fewer people are getting married than in our grandparents’ generation, the rate of divorce is down. Is it possible that we are getting better at marriage?

Maybe not better, but we are starting marriage more mature. Nationally, the median age for a first marriage is creeping upward: men at 28 years and women at 26. The Pew Research Center has drawn a correlation between marrying age and divorce rates. States with lower median marriage age are the same states where divorce and remarriage rates are higher.

Despite doomsday predictions about the end of marriage, Americans are fully entrenched in debating, contemplating, and even, legislating the topic. Weddings are a $161-billion piece of the American economy. From Bridezillas to the tossing of the garter, marriage will continue to be a part of our family life and culture.

Things to note:

A lower percentage of men in Pueblo County are married, compared with both the state and national percentages.

A lower percentage of women in Pueblo County are married, compared with the state. But, Pueblo County women have a higher rate of marriage than the national rate.

Both Pueblo County men and women have a higher rate of divorce than the state and the U.S.

A lower percentage of men and women in Pueblo County have never been married than both the state and national numbers. This means that more adults in Pueblo County have been married at least once.