University of Hookups just started and it's time to bone up on bein' BMOC. College is fun, Asher loves it, and why not? Colleges and universities are great places to meet people - smart people, people who can read! But, even if you're not heading back to school, the end of summer is upon us and you need to be ready. Here are some tips to get you ready for finding some new study buddies.

Which is my first tip: Study with the hottest person you can. No one really wants to go back to school - especially guys since we're kinda dumb and lazy, so we need someone to help us. It might as well be someone hot. At this point consider going into nursing - imagine the anatomy lessons you'll be in for. Or maybe you're working on an MBA. Power is sexy, and business calculus won't do itself. Whatever the subject, pick soon (see tip number four).

Tip two: Dress for success. Get a haircut, shave, throw away the shoes you spent all summer vomiting on, and wear some cologne - not Old Spice either - something good. This is your only chance to make a good first impression. Look like you own the place, not like you work there at night (no offense, we all need jobs).

But don't overdo it - match your wardrobe to your intended career. If you're a business major, go preppy. If you're an art major, lose the bow tie and straw hat - comprende?

Tip three: Branch out. You're a psych major, all you're friends are psych majors, but wait - who's that hottie sitting in the library studying ancient Greece? All of a sudden, I can't get enough of Homer, Antigone, and Zeus. The point here being, take some new directions in life and don't be afraid of taking a French class; you might be in for some interesting dates.

Tip four: Act fast. Remember that there are millions of other guys reading this right now and they all want to get wet too. So don't waste time. When you see a cutie, make your move. As Shakespeare once said, "He who hesitates, masturbates."

Tip five: Hot for teacher. Pretty much every guy's fantasy is to show up to class, have a super hot professor give him the eye and spend the rest of the semester getting some nasty private tutoring. So how do you get the older woman? This is tough, people, but thank goodness you have me.

The hot professor wants two things: a good listener and a rock-hard boner. She will appreciate it if you listen to her stories about goofy students or boorish faculty members, but at the end of the day she will want to rock your socks off. So bring the heat, and years from now you'll have a good "I boned my professor" story.

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