June 2010

Ah, summer. What could be better than a whole bunch of babes in bikinis ready to audition for a part in my movie? Nothing, that's what. But since my movie is on hiatus, I came up with a new plan - a more sophisticated plan. Visiting a library or bookstore is a place to get educated and maybe meet the future Mrs. Amore. It's a double-edged sword, however.

You are certain to meet someone smart, witty, and able to converse about something other than Dancing with the Stars (as if). On the other hand, she's smart, so all of your games, lies, tricks, and general asshole-ishness won't fly.

You do have some say in this based on where you want to try your best pick-up lines. ("Do you like Johnson?") Start with the art and photography sections. Here you might find someone with a creative spirit who could be down for some debate about Bauhaus architecture or neo-minimalist Dada sculpture. Some photography books in the cart could open the door to a little Mapplethorpe-esque picture taking. Either way, that dog will hunt.

Cookbooks are a maybe. People who like to cook are awesome because they are gonna throw down on the grub. But if you aren't down with all the hominess of cooking and going to the store all the time, it may be best to move on. And if you're trying to watch your figure, you're really out of luck.

Home improvement should be avoided. Most of these babes are soccer moms and have a hubby at home waiting to kick your ass if you get any ideas about planting your seeds anywhere near their garden of earthly delights. Besides, you don't want to spend all summer painting or fixing shit around the house, do you?

The New Age section could be good if you're into the whole spirituality thing. If patchouli reminds you of someone getting a perm in a port-a-potty, then rethink your strategy. Ditto for meatheads who make jokes about tree huggers and smelly hippies - might I suggest the automotive book section?

Reference material could land you in the middle of a bevy of college girls - you could do a lot worse. And, if you're reading this, I mean A LOT worse.

Romance might get you some action but be prepared to put in the work. Dinner, roses, holding hands in public, and long walks at sunset are part and parcel if you're gonna score here. It would help tremendously to have a long flowing mane of hair and be totally ripped with your shirt unbuttoned and a sword in your teeth. Pursue at your own expense.

But the granddaddy of them all is the Self-Help section, a.k.a Easy Pickin's. It will definitely get ugly later, but finding someone in this section is a home run, fo sho. These readers might be there for relationship advice or reassurance on some crappy life decision, but either way they have more issues than National Geographic. So, get while the gettin's good and don't be surprised if your car gets keyed.

Stay tuned for how to enjoy one of the best single holidays ever, the 4th of July! "There were fireworks when we kissed."

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