May 2010

Rules of boning are more complicated than doing your taxes while building a model car on a rollercoaster in space. Most guys don't follow rules, some guys purposely break rules, and there are a few who can't spell r-u-l-e-s. If you're like me, you don't play by rules - not even your own. Follow these simple rules to make sure you don't get beat up, fired, or have broccoli grow out of your pee hole.

Rule One: Don't bone someone if you won't be comfortable facing her (or him) in a social situation later. This sounds dumb, and you were prolly expecting something like always wear a condom. But no! This rule is way more important. If you think you're gonna see this person later (like at work, or family gatherings) then think twice before getting wet. Even if you have a magic dick (which you don't), you will inevitably face some awkward moments, which could potentially turn uglier than the last-call hoes at a street fest.

Rule Two: If you're gonna bone an ex, be sure you aren't falling for the ol' "now we're back together" bone. Guys are suckers for getting action of any type and they fall for this trick every time, unless they are pulling the ol' "ha ha, I just boned my ex" bone, in which case they can escape said trap.

2-plus-2 Rule - a.k.a the Mom rule: If you're gonna bone someone's mom, watch out. Do you wanna be "daddy?" Do you want to move in together? Is her babydaddy gonna stab you? These are all important things to consider before throwing your hotdog down that hallway.

Rule 69: Don't fart

Rule 101: Chicks at clubs who are willing to bone you on the first night are prolly willing to bone a lot of guys on the first night, so this time really do wear a rubber, put a baggie on your nuts, and bring your "A game." She will tell all her friends about it after and you don't want them waving at you with their pinkies or calling you hair trigger or some other move-to-a-different-town embarrassment.

Facebook Rule: Do not, under any circumstance, share any information about hooking up on FB unless you are purposely trying to ruin your life. Future bosses, spouses, in-laws, respected members of the community, your 14-year-old cousin, and your mom will all know it if you're posting "Backdoor action - sweet" as your status update.

Txt rul: 4 sure don't try 2 tx info regarding sxx or hookin up or w@tevr b/c u r asking 4 trouble. jus ask tha bro who txted "mmmm th@ was sum hot a$ las nite baby" to ALL.  lol th@ sux bro

Butt Rule: You are either brave or stupid if you try for anal without being asked first. It's pointless for you to ask because if she wants it she will tell you, but most chicks are simply not into it. On the bright side, if she does ask you, she's a keeper.

The Don't-Fall-in-Love-with-a-Fuck-Buddy Rule: pretty self-explanatory

The Number Rule: If you're about to hook up and maybe bone, there is one question to avoid: "How many people have you been with?" First, there is no right answer. If you say, "one," she'll know you're lying (unless you're 16 years old, in which case what the hell are you doing reading this - don't you have homework?).  And if you tell the truth and it's above nine, you're gonna look like a man whore.

If your real number is higher than 40, then you really are a man whore. I'd say try to "not remember," or say, "just you baby, you're the only one who matters," or something like that. Don't try to remember some bullshit formula like total number divided by pi; you'll just get caught in a lie later on. She will ask again, and if the answers don't match ("But you said you were only with three other people") then you'll have some 'splaining to do. If you must answer, go with three. It's the magic number.

If you never knew these rules existed, you've been doing it all wrong. Don't worry bro, I'm here to help. Tune in to my next show where I'll get some actual ladies to share their biggest turn offs and actual dating nightmares.

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