November 2009 Issue

I am not a Carrie Bradshaw, Sex-and-the-City type. I'm definitely more about sex than relationships. While some claim I'm bitter about love, romance and relationships, I do have some insight on what does NOT work.

There comes a time in many relationships, when you are forced to decide: Is this a relationship or relationshit? I unfortunately have had personal experience with what can definitely be deemed relationshit.

One former decade-long love was guilty of a variety of relationship crimes. He did things like refuse to attend my great-grandmother's funeral or make me leave friend's weddings early. We were engaged for seven years, but he would get angry when I tried to talk about actually getting married. (I know these are big warning signs.) Worst of all, he hit me one night-in the face. After that, I knew I was never going to spend the rest of my life with him. He damaged our connection. It all changed, and I finally had to admit this was relationshit.

The next guy was a bit different. He was a lover. (And what a lover! I am dying just thinking about it.) But, we never connected. And, he was always trying to "figure me out." We were very much like Rhett and Scarlett in Gone with the Wind-a combination of passion and relationship sabotage. For awhile, the make-up sex was worth it, with fighting as a weird and kinky form of foreplay. But, you can't go on doing that forever. So, again, I had to admit this too was relationshit.

I realize that I am still a work in progress. While I'm still trying to figure many things out, these things I do know:

• If you are working really hard on the relationship and things are still not working, it is generally time to call it quits.
• Don't wait for the other person to change, because it is never going to happen.
• If you think your lover is hiding something, lying to you and/or cheating, don't look for it, just leave. Chances are your gut feeling is right on the money.
• Sometimes you can find a connection with someone when you are looking for it. Be patient, and in the meantime, meet, mingle, enjoy casual sex (if that is your thing).
• Sometimes relationships are actually more about the timing than the person. Think about those cheesy romantic comedies when the man and woman don't connect until the end of the movie.
• Most importantly, if you are lucky enough to be in a true relationship, nurture it and the person you love. So many people have ruined a good thing.

Relationships are important and fragile, yet they can also be disposable. While people come and go in our lives, the connection we have with one another can be deep and meaningful. Don't squander your time in relationshit, when you could instead enjoy a relationship.

 

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