May 2010

There comes a time in a person's life, unfortunately, when the inevitable happens: bad sex. Now, this topic usually only comes up when I have one-night stands and they can't get it up. Of course, that is not only bad sex, but no sex.

Here are some examples of the worst sex I have ever had in my life:

Bad Kissing: No French kissing outside of the bedroom, only "grandpa kisses" - little pecks here and there; French kissing involving his tongue so far down my throat that I could feel it inside my stomach! (I often thought I was going to chip a tooth on his.) It was disgusting.

Too Basic: Nothing is worse than a guy who thinks he is a porn star but only knows two basic positions: missionary and cowgirl. I like a guy who lets me undress him, likes a little shower foreplay, likes when I "feel him up." One ex was so un-adventurous he didn't like any of this stuff and was so overly basic that we only enjoyed a little "afternoon delight" three times in two years!

Too Quiet: Now, those men who have had the pleasure of "knowing" me will attest to the fact that I am a bit of a noise maker in the bedroom. I do my own stunts and come complete with my own sound effects. When a guy doesn't like noise or make a peep himself, it totally makes for bad sex because it is a mood killer.

The Deal Breaker: No oral sex is a deal breaker. I had an ex who didn't like blow jobs and admitted that he has never gone down a woman, ever! A lover who doesn't like oral sex equals a bad lover.

Creepy Sex, A.K.A., Sex While Asleep: Yes, I know I wrote an entire funny-as-hell column about it, but the actual sex wasn't funny. It was creepy and is a serious issue that - Thank God - I no longer have to deal with.

Yes, as you may have guessed, most of the bad sex I've had involved just one of my exes. There may be reasons a person is bad in bed. Stay tuned to future columns for my thoughts on this.

Questions or comments? Email This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it