May 2010

By now you've probably used or heard the acronym LGBT. It stands for the "inclusive" Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgendered society, right? Inclusive can be a very misleading word. Please let me attempt to explain  . . .

In this column, I've discussed lesbians, gays and even the transgendered, but the subject of bisexuals has not been touched on yet. And there is a reason. The whole label itself is a complex, misunderstood, and misrepresented word used to describe a group of people who don't necessarily fit into a binary version of society - either gay or straight.

Technically speaking, a bisexual person is one who has romantic or sexual attraction to both males and females, but the word can mean a lot of different things to different people.

I've actually heard bisexuality called "a stepping stone" to being gay. I've been told that before a person "decides" to be gay (and I roll my eyes as I use that word), they will "experiment" and "try it out" before really deciding. This idea alone is the main reason many of my friends refuse to date someone who claims to be bisexual. No one wants to be someone else's experiment.

My first serious girlfriend was the first girl I openly dated, and she knew this. She was extremely hesitant, since I had only been seen with boys until that point. She had no idea how long I had been in the closet, or how long ago I had kissed a girl for the first time. This worried her. She would repeatedly ask me if I was sure I was gay and not bisexual.

When I confirmed that I was in fact lesbian, she explained that dating a girl who considers herself bisexual can be a scary thing because they aren't as invested in the cause and fight that comes along with being a societal black sheep. She believed, as do many others like her, that bisexuals can "bow out" of being gay if the pressure gets too high. They can take off the "gay" label and live a "normal" straight life.

And it is not unusual when out in Pueblo (not at a gay bar), to see two girls or women making out on the dance floor after a few libations. They giggle as the boys gawk at them. This is usually for a show or to impress the guy standing by the bar. To sound sexy, these (usually straight) girls will call themselves bisexual.

How can you tell if it's true? You can't. That's why the "bisexual" label is complicated.

On the flip side, this balancing act is one of the harder parts when it comes to identifying as a bisexual. Society expects them to act one way or another, based on the sex of person they happen to be dating at the time.

I have friends who wear the label bisexual and identify as bisexual. Many of them expressed that living the way they live isn't a choice either. They are attracted to the person, regardless of sex or gender.

And, for the most part, the people I spoke to about the subject - gay, lesbian, straight or bisexual - pretty much all felt the same way: love is love. That's it. No prejudice, no belittling, just that simple phrase. Who are we to judge or to stick a label onto someone else's back?

Not long ago I received an email about this very subject from a friend who just recently started to date a woman for the first time in her life. I wanted to share her words with you here because I feel she sums it up:

"I always thought I was straight, until I fell in love with a girl, now I don't really know what I am, but I don't care. When my girlfriend and I started telling some of our friends that we were dating, one of the first questions asked was always 'So, are we gay now?' We just answered that we were both 'bi,' it was simpler. We're still attracted to men, but I am very attracted to my girlfriend as well. If this makes me bi, then I am bi. But, I refuse to adopt a label because it does not matter. My friends have had a hard time accepting this, but I'm still the same person I was before. As a very wise friend told me once over a couple of drinks, it's not that important. It's just about who you choose to go to bed with at night. I did not choose to fall in love with a girl, but I did choose to recognize these feelings and accept them. With or without a label of gay, bi, or straight, I'm happy - no label necessary."

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