January 2010

It’s the beginning of a new year, the holidays are done and gone, and I can hear a collective sigh of relief from the many people I know. While the holidays normally include quality time spent with family, this same family time can equate to much stress and anxiety for members of the gay community.

Imagine, if you will, knowing that holiday time also meant that it was time to get your lies and stories in order. It was time to rehearse your answers to the questions that you know your family will ask—time to step back into the closet. For many gays and lesbians, this is the reality of the holidays.

I work with college students. Most of them have just spent the last four to five months discovering themselves, accepting the reality of who they are, making new social circles and understanding what exactly makes them tick. For some of them, this may mean accepting that they are in fact gay. And, this new acceptance may make it tricky to go home for the holidays.

It is not just young adults, either. Some homosexual adults are out to everyone in their lives except for their family or elderly parents. This often means that these people are forced to choose: spending the holidays with a committed same-sex partner or with family.

Whenever someone—whether 19 or 49—goes home, it is easy to slide back into familiar roles, reverting to your growing-up persona. It's an internal struggle: Do you go home and make everyone else comfortable and happy by being who you were? Or do you go home and proclaim your true identity and become the center of attention at Christmas dinner?

Even if you have come out to your family and loved ones, the holidays can still be a challenging time. For many in the gay community, they feel like they don’t fit into the Christmas-card version of family. It's typical, for this reason, for groups of gay friends to come together for our own “family” gatherings during the holidays.

In my circle of friends, our annual holiday party is a tradition. It's what we look forward to when we think of Christmas. The party is a safe place. We all accept each other and love each other “as is.” For this one night during the holiday season, we are allowed to let our guard down, be ourselves and bring our significant other along—even hold his or her hand and not feel awkward about it.

While this may not seem like a big deal, imagine what it feels like to love someone so much that you want them to be a part of your family, but when it comes to family gatherings, like Christmas, you have to act like you are “just friends.” Of course, that is if you’re even allowed to include him or her in your family gathering at all.

It's not a big deal for a man and a woman to share an embrace, hold a hand, even kiss when celebrating the season. But, many families just aren't comfortable with this show of affection when it comes to same-sex couples. Unfortunately, it has become second nature for many in the gay community to shut off their affections when it comes to being around family.

As with everything, the culture will change as time passes. And, perhaps, if I can have one more holiday wish, the new year will promise great strides in acceptance for the gay community: from the political and legislative to the personal and, of course, to family gatherings too.

One final thought: If you have or know family members who are struggling with accepting their homosexual child or relative, please share this column with them. It might be a good way to start an important conversation. I also recommend contacting our local PFLAG (Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians and Gays) chapter: 719-250-9472, This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it . Or visit pflag.org.

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