August 2010

We make three, in a ’96 Subaru with a red canoe on top: the proletariat American family on vacation for a week. Lakes, rivers, group campsites with all the amenities, hanging out with the well-healed American True Believers. The American True Believers gather at national monuments in 40-foot motor homes towing SUVs.

They have names like Intruder, Invader, and Titan splashed across the sides of their vehicles in ultra-modern graphics. These super machines are tributes to American freedom. They meander through canons and over mountain passes with 20 cars backed up behind them. Gas mileage is irrelevant, because this is America and they are great Americans, where the individual rules, where nobody likes complainers and if you’re not in front, you’re behind.

They gather in the evenings, F250 super duties, Dodge Rams with bold hemi-emblems, gleaming trailers, Hummers, perfect blond children, bon fires and s’mores. True Believers obviously do not suffer economic downturns, as god just loves some people more than others. They look at me and mine and their eyes send a message: just try a trailer invasion and you will die in a hail of gunfire. We stay back like clown fish in a sea of whales and sharks.

I approach them carefully. They talk loudly about the God-damn government, freedom, fucking commie liberals, the slow but steady demise of all that is good, that this wasn’t Federal land, this was God’s land. I nod in agreement out of cowardice and curiosity.

I was stupid enough to mention that I had to pay as much to the fed for my little camping spot as they did for their mobile homes. The silence was horrific. I had to come up with something quick.

May god forgive me: I broke the tension by asking if abortion for illegal aliens under Obama-care was really such a bad thing. This drew confused, but genuine laughter. I was all right, in spite of the Subaru. I had bought myself a little time, and made my way back to our little campsite, safe for the moment.

Then, God’s night folded around us with the hum of diesel generators sweetening the still air at the national monument.

— Legendary

Great Quotes

“I ain’t cheap, but I can be had.” — Joey Chestnut, national eating champion.

“The Democratically-controlled house and senate, provide a target-rich environment.” — Ted Nugent

“Americans are good people, decent people, kind people, and this makes them easily mislead.” — Glenn Beck (paraphrased)

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