February 2010

Great Quotes

“Did you ever realize that the course of your adult life was decided by a teenager—possibly a stoned teenager?”

“The means did not prepare you for the ends.”

“Epiphanies are fair-weather friends.”

—Spike Lee’s Passing Strange

Dear Legendary,

I went to the movie Avatar and could not help notice the 600 or so cars in the parking lot (big cars), that we were all sitting in a climate-controlled environment watching the movie, and I was marveling at the amount of energy it must take to light the whole show up, day in and day out. That’s just one little theater! Then I realized, this was happening all over the world, Avatar has a huge carbon footprint.

Your thoughts, please.

—Star Struck

Dear Struck,

If people had to walk to the movie, sip cold drinks while sitting in a chilly seat, and watch the film on a dimly lit screen, they would personally write a check to some mercenaries to shoot some indigenous blue people, if they thought they were responsible for the inconvenience.

—Legendary

P.S. Let’s see how much rainforest James Cameron protects with his “director’s cut.”

Dear Legendary,

Is it true that Sarah Palin’s speeches are written in crayon?

—Just Curious

Dear Curious,

Sarah rewrote the speeches in crayon as they were translated to her from the original German.

—Legendary

[In tribute to Molly Ivins]

Dear American,

Forgive me, but I have to ask you a personal question: When did you loose your mother-loving mind? No, not “them”—you! I mean seriously, like some smarmy lawyer defending an empty suit with complete sincerity, you believe lies and repeat lies.

You trust the people you should never trust, and don’t trust the people you should. Mr. and Mrs. America, you remind me of a blind dog wandering around in heavy traffic. You sense that disaster is close, but prefer to imagine more appealing dangers.

Have you watched so much crappy TV drama that you are incapable of recognizing the obvious? Always waiting for the clever plot twist with a master puppeteer pulling all the strings. I think you truly believe that reality is being written by some mid-level Hollywood hack.

Religion was not delivered, so that you could believe anything you choose to believe. It’s a child’s form of cowardice, that’s what it is.

—Legendary