Ask Legendary: November 2009
Written by Legendary | 
"While the wise men and village elders were considering the nature of duality, a cavalry somewhere was loading a heavy cannon on a train."-Legendary
Small Talk with the Big Kahuna
Legendary: Dear God, what was your biggest mistake in regard to mankind?God: The opposable thumb and showing them how to catch termites with a stick.
L: Dear God, what's your favorite movie?
G: Spice Girls Unauthorized.
L: Spice Girls?! Why Spice Girls?
G: You forgot to preface it with "Dear God". I'm a stickler for protocol.
L: Dear God, why the Spice Girls?
G: I'm a very old man and they bring a certain lightness to what can be a very ponderous existence.
L: Dear God, can you give us any clues about he next messiah?
G: Keep an eye on Posh Spice and David Beckham. I do! Heh, heh, heh, heh.
You look a little shocked. Some part of you must have realized the connection between god and voyeurism. Why do think I created you?
L: Dear God! You created us so that you could watch!
G: You got it! Creating "you" in my own image should have been a clue. Infinite time and space can get a little boring. So, I made my own version of a television-a really big holographic one.
L: Wow! Dear God, are we alone in the universe?
G: I'd be a little quieter if I were you, and turn the lights off at night. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
L: Dear God, do you love us?
G: Do you love your television? Or do you love television? I love to answer a question with a question. It's part of my inscrutable nature and I will probably do some things differently next time.
L: Dear God, when I was little, I wondered if God ever got hungry, or needed to eat.
G: I remember that. It was so cute-that's why I granted you this interview. And the answer is yes. Did you ever ask, why black holes?
L: Dear God, what's your greatest disappointment?
G: Klingons.
L: Dear God, are you implying that in an infinite universe all things can and will exist?
G: No, that was a joke, imbecile. All things are possible only if you're an American college sophomore stoned on pot. Truth is, I dream with matter, and my dreams are a mystery even to me. The answer to your next question is, yes, your blink of an eye existence is a miracle, and in that vein, you might consider the possibility that I like polar bears as much as, or more than, people.
L: Dear God, is there a hell?
G: No, but I'm thinking about it. I will however, bring Dr. Dwayne Dyer back as a sub-Saharan African woman. Gotta go! Good luck with that other thing.
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